From my very own ‘online conflict’ case study, 4 tips to safeguard your reputation
A search on my name ‘Sam Deeks’ brings up a result from something that happened a year or so ago. I wrote a post on our blog about my experience of business networking and the kinds of characters, approaches and shenanigans we’d experienced. Although I mentioned no names – or organisations for that matter – someone felt I was referring to them, and posted a personal dig at me on their online forum.
Their online networking site and forum is very busy – hence that reference to me is on 1st page in Google. It’s a great reminder that when people try to pull you into conflict online your response is going to be around for a long, long time.
Luckily, I’m happy with how I responded then – and now.
Here are 4 tips that might help you if / when you find yourself under attack:
1) Don’t react. Reaction is usually a way of not feeling something. What was it I wanted to avoid feeling? Anger, fear. Sadness. I hate conflict. I hate being not liked. Add to that, I was a bit ashamed because the guy was right. I was referring to him, among others. That’s a hard pile of feelings to sit with. The reason we fight so quickly is to avoid facing feeling those things. Sit with them because they’ll teach you something.
2) Respond. Once. After you’ve sat with whatever feelings are there (if you’re not covering them up by fighting in the forum thread), reply. Those feelings will soften you up more than fighting will. When you reply from that place, you’ll be more human, more empathetic and you won’t escalate conflict. Say your piece, own your part in it if you can and leave.
3) Don’t take it personally. When people get angry with each other they’re just dumping undealt-with feelings on each other. Deal with yours (see points 1 and 2) and you won’t make your upset other peoples’ business. Similarly, you won’t interpret their upset as your business either.
4) Leave it. The desire to return to conflict is an addiction. Resist it, there’s nothing good about it, it will only keep you addicted and reactive.
Make no mistake, these 4 points aren’t easy – which is why the world is fuelled by conflict on- and offline. Learning how not to react takes time and effort but most of all it takes us getting to a point where we’re sick and tired of being drawn helplessly into cycles of fighting – and where we want something different
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